~end.

Month-end.

Pretend.
Stipend.
Defend.

Beg. Borrow. Lend.

Descend.
Misspend.

Boyfriend.

Dead-end.
Amend.
Depend.
Append.

Expend.
Offend.
Outspend.

Suspend.

Upend.

Weekend.

I hope you get cocked, motherfucker!

To the UCT student (I assume a student - no-one who is qualified could drive as badly as you did) who drove like such a poes, that I am driven (excuse the pun) to write about you.



I hope that your academic performance will match your inability to drive.
And that you will be forced to return to live with your parents.
In Upington. You drive live a cunt. Go cock yourself.

Thursday Morning. Another fucking marvelous day in Africa.

08:30
Thursday
Morning

Having breakfast with a friend @ 09:00
Being insane, I arrived @ the venue @ 08:20
I like to ensure that my mind is ready
After having smoked a joint
Whilst stuck in peculiar traffic conditions
In the Southern suburbs
Maybe they are normal traffic conditions
I have not needed to be ANYWHERE this early for more than 2 years

I have lost the art of coping with the normal workday traffic.

But I am loving my espresso.

@ Mel's.

Barely 650 metres from my house.

Still I drove.
I do not know why.

And smoked.
I know why.

Reflections on a holiday

Fashion Tip # 345

Never, NEVER reconstitute old curtains into a dress.

Lily Marched

It is (still) March.

2009.

And the March Lilies are blooming.

Blooming March Lilies.

Fashion Tip # 344

If your legs are
a pasty flesh colour,
do not wear
pasty flesh coloured footwear.
Ever. Please.

Fat German Sausages

To the fat unhappy German father and his fatter and unhappier German son:

We hope you had the sort of trip that your demeanour automatically elicits.
An unhappy, disastrous one.
You fat cunts.

Road Kill

Jesus wept!

Just after leaving a languid Swellendam we stumbled upon this horrific scene:


But fear not - all was well - the corpse was merely attempting to fix the front loader. He was not even injured. We shat ourselves. He did not.

Bitchell's Screwery - It leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth

Oh My God!
AM I GLAD I KEEP COPIES OF ALL E-MAILS!!!!

Prior to our sojourn to Knysna, and being somewhat of a control freak, I decided to send an e-mail to Mitchell's Knysna Brewery - after having visited their website. I did NOT want to miss this tour!

Herewith their courteous reply:

"Hi

Thank you for your email, we look forward to welcoming you to our special brewery. Below please find our tour and tasting information:

Our daily tour times are 10:30 &15:00 on weekdays only. Tastings can be done from 08:30 - 16:30 Mon - Fri and 09:30 - 12:30 on a Saturday.
Special tour times can be arranged for groups of four and more. The price for the tour and tasting is R 50.00 pp and a tasting only is R30.00 pp. Children under twelve years of age tour for free.

The tour normally takes 15-20 minutes and the tasting will depend on
a) the tasting option you choose
and
b) the time you have available to spend here.

The tasting can be done one of two ways: you can have a tasting glass of each beer or you can have a small taste of each beer and enjoy a pint of your favourite in our lovely beer garden.

Please give us a quick call before you come to check availability, we would hate to turn you away because we don't have space.

Regards,

Renée de Bruyn

Mitchells Knysna Brewery
044 382 4685
086 6841326 (F)
"
And so we decided that this was a MUST-SEE experience.
I, for one, adore my beer.
This experience was NOT TO BE MISSED.

We arrived 3 minutes 20 seconds late for the tour - which they had very kindly delayed for us - since we had called ahead (twice) to confirm our imminent arrival.

There were (if I can recall correctly) 8 people in our group.

I was going to do the R50.00 TASTING tour. The two other people in my party had opted to only do the R30.00 tour - the one sans the tasting.

The tour was fucking boring.

The tour guide was boring too.

Her name escapes me - but it was possibly Reneé. The same person who replied to my initial e-mail.

At the end of the fucking boring 15 minute tour, I chose to NOT do the tasting.
Something that the Tour Guide had said had been so distasteful, so nauseating, that I did not want to stomach their product.

To summarise: The shelf life of Mitchell's beer (or certain of their products) is 21 days. Old stock is returned to their factory - and is replaced by them at no additional cost to the distributors / merchants. All very eco-conscious.
The "old" stock is then "sold to the local guys @ a reduced price".
While I am certain that there is very little wrong with the OLD stock - what I want to know is: WHO THE FUCK ARE THE "LOCAL GUYS"?????

Are they the factory workers - the brewery is in an industrial area - and are Mitchell's therefore promoting alcoholism amongst the factory workers?
Or is Mitchell's encouraging alcohol dependency amongst the factory managers and owners? Are the "LOCAL GUYS" the previously disadvantaged men in the Knysna area. Is Mitchell's destroying neighbourhoods?

Is Mitchell's returning to the dop system?

Or do the wealthy male inhabitants of Thesen Island - where house prices range from R3 million to R9 million - stand in queues outside the Mitchell's shebeen - waiting to buy old product.
Is it these "local guys" - these financially independent men - that you were referring to?

I, quite frankly, do not give a fuck which GROUP of "local guys" you are referring to. Your comment was distasteful. It was wrong. Racist. Demeaning. Appalling. Disgusting.
You fucked up.
And I still have this terrible taste in my mouth.

As for the "certificate" we were all presented with upon our premature departure. I am returning it via ordinary mail. And I want my fucking R30.00 (I did NOT do the tasting part of the tour - so enraged was I - and so I got a discounted rate) back.


My friends also want their money back.

Ugo

U Go is our travel duck.
He is the perfect companion.
He never bitches.
He never moans.
He requires no food.
No drinks.
No medication.
He is always photogenic.
Always ready.
And always forgiving.
Thank you U Go.
We love you.


Follow his GROUP
(by clicking anywhere on this sentence)
on facebook.

And, as a bonus, you'll see never-seen-before photos.

Touched by an Elephant

To see and touch an Elephant has been my most humbling experience.
We, as humans, have placed them in their precarious situation.
They live in PARKS.
Man-made parks.
And, yet, they tolerate us.
How kind of them.
How cruel of us.
How tragic for them.
How sad for us.

A Fresh Pain in the Butt

Knysna.
Thesen Island.
On holiday.
Relaxed.
Local café.
Ingledew's.
Saturday morning. Order 2 x Espresso.
They arrive. Delicious. Each with a biscotti.
They, too, are delicious.
Have to pay 60 cents for a plastic bag.
Rather charge me R1.00 MORE per espresso, and avoid making me feel like I have been fucked from behind. RIP OFF! 60 cents for a fucking plastic packet. RIP OFF!

Sunday morning.
Return to Ingledew's. This time for 4 x Espresso.
They arrive. Delicious. Each WITHOUT a biscotti.
Price remains the same. Strange.
Rather charge me R1.00 LESS per espresso, and avoid making me feel like I have been fucked from behind. RIP OFF! No biscotti. RIP OFF!

Note even Ile de Pain - your competitors - would do that!

It takes 21 days to break a bad habit

It has been 21 days since my last post.

The wind was taken out of my sails, by the Cape Doctor, and so I quit The Argus Cycle Tour ± 8 kilometres after the start.
Next year.

We have just returned from an AWESOME holiday in Knysna. Thanks Liz. And Alex! And Ernie. And Mercedes. And Ugo. And Doug. And Rick. And Gail. And the Thesen family. And Raining Jane. And ABSA.

Shhh! I'm nervous.

The recent dearth of opinionated writing, is absolutely due to pre-Argus Cycle Tour nerves.